Have you ever realized the connection between the challenges we face in life and the challenges in our relationships? There is an amazing parallel between the two. In this article, we will dig into the connection between life, our perceptions and the relationship challenges we likely will face.
Relationships can be beautiful and make us feel amazing but they can also be devastating and highly negative for our emotional state. If you have recently broken up or lost someone close to you, you may want to work more on letting go or dig into the lies of our ego (our false self) for immediate relief from your suffering.
It All Starts with Ourselves
Our overall success or failure in relationships is largely dependent on our:
- Upbringing & childhood experiences
- Personality type
- Ability to communicate or to be understood by others
Whether we like it or not, we were greatly influenced and imprinted with our parent’s relationship behaviors (good or bad), as well as their beliefs and habits. In many cases, the presence (or lack) of one or both parents really impacts are needs in the relationship.
Until we learn how to successfully navigate the challenges within ourselves, we likely are going to experience some level of similar challenge in our relationships. Life will graciously repeat our situation again and again to give us the opportunity to learn and grow. But until we really accept the need for “self work”, have a personal breakthrough, and are able to adjust/fix ourselves, we likely will repeat our same broken patterns.
If we can begin to come to important self-realizations and gain understanding of our wrong perceptions, we will begin to understand why things happen to us the way they do.
The 5 Basic Needs
All human beings have certain inherent emotional needs. When we are in a relationship we want to be:
- Seen
- Heard
- Valued
- Appreciated
- Loved
Most relationship issues stem from a lack in one or more of these 5 items. Unfortunately, this list does not represent true love (spiritually). This list represents the items that support our own ego’s desires. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t need them.
Evaluate your relationship against the list above and see which needs are more important to you. Rate the list on a scale of 1-10. 1 being the least important and 10 being the most important.
Then go back and highlight the items that have a 6 or greater.
Next list out and associate major events that have happened in your relationship that has been the source of issue or contention.
Next think about these things and ask yourself for each one, was the situation the occurred something in your control or out of your control.
The 7 Relationship Parallels
The challenges we experience in relationships are really no different than the same challenges we face in ourselves. Our ability to understand ourselves and how life’s energy works will greatly improve the success of our relationships.
Lets go through examples of each challenge and understand why we struggle.
- Not being ourselves
- Not being present (or too busy)
- Wanting to fix our spouse
- Focusing more on what we want or need
- Not communicating when we should
- Making assumptions and setting wrong expectations
- Not working together to make it work
We Are Not Ourselves
When we first meet someone, we tend to be on our best behavior. We want to make a good impression and to be accepted. We want the other person to like us, so we act the way we think they would like.
This causes big problems. Society pushes and encourages this “acting proper” behavior. Our starving ego is rewarded and fed by society’s values. To become successful we are encouraged to be better or superior to others.
Regardless of the intention, eventually we begin slipping back to our “real” self and typical habits. If we “act” a part too long, we might feel that that we don’t even know who we are anymore. Others around us may begin to feel a “Jekyll and Hyde” sensation or worse, the infamous “bait and switch”. Even though there was never any malicious intent – it can be perceived very negatively.
Fearlessly and boldly be yourself! Without hesitation or care what others around us think. What someone else thinks of you is none of your business. It is so much easier to simply be you. Being yourself can be a big weight off of your shoulders. It takes a lot of energy to be someone you are not.
We Are not Present (or too busy)
Our presence is the greatest gift we can offer someone else. In this modern day of our super busy lives, we juggle too many things. Here is a list of just a few things that can take us away from being present and available in our relationships:
- Job or Career (especially if traveling)
- Kids (especially in split or divorced households)
- Kids Activities
- Other Friends
- Hobbies and passions
- Habits and Busyness
- Extended Families
- Health Issues (self or family members)
We need to be present for ourselves to be present for someone else. Read more about the mirror of self to learn about how our feelings about our self affects our ability to be happy with life (including being happy with others).
Being present doesn’t just mean physical. It includes being present emotionally and mentally as well. It means listening and giving of your time and gifts. The modern life can be very demanding on our schedule. Don’t be driven by a schedule. Difficult, right? Go with the flow of life’s opportunity and timing.
Simplify your life. Prioritize the time needed for the things you need to do in your life. You may have too much on your plate. If this is difficult communicate with each other, work on your challenges together.
If either person is not present, problems will arise. The idea of presence goes both ways. The level of presence is determined by a couples level of self-awareness and individuality. Balance each other’s individual needs. Work together at being understanding and compassionate of one other.
We Want to Fix our Spouse
We often get into a relationship with expectations of what we want to get out of it. This thinking will lead to big problems when we focus on what we want out of it. We need to know how to give freely, having patience and unconditional acceptance.
One very important rule that we all must accept in relationships: We must accept our mate fully for who they are TODAY. Acceptance of “what is” is a critical part of understanding how happiness works. Without this understanding, you are likely going to cause yourself suffering.
Many of us have work we need to do on ourselves. Whether we can see or accept it is another topic. Its when we take on managing that project on behalf of our other that problems really begin. We must each focus on our own personal challenges, none of us are exempt. We each have things we need to work on on our own journey.
If you are not learning or growing individually, you are not living.
This can be a very serious and sensitive area in a relationship. We need to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses, but in a loving constructive way. Each person must want to fix themselves and this happens in their own time. People often cannot see issues within themselves.
We Focus More on What we Want or Need
A successful, loving relationship is more about giving than receiving. Setting expectations on others for what we must have will eventually turn into resentment. While the relationship does have certain things we expect in return, those elements should be naturally given by both parties.
If there is not something being given, maybe there is a challenge that we are unaware of. Live by the relationship rule: “do not make assumptions”. Don’t make the wrong assumption that if they really wanted it, they would have done it already. That thought is a LIE from your sensitive ego.
Its important we communicate quickly and clearly when we feel certain things (good or bad). When we are in a relationship, we share both the good and the bad. Your suffering becomes my suffering and vice versa.
A relationship must have understanding and communication to balance personal needs.
Love should be selfless. When we enter into a relationship from a point of need – there are likely misunderstandings involving egos and mental games. There should always be some level of compromise and compassion for the other’s life journey.
We Don’t Communicate When we Should
There are many different personality types. Our behaviors form from a very early age and are influenced further by our past experiences. The ways we can communicate are dependent on our underlying personality type. When it comes to our natural expression there are 2 primary groups:
- Extroverts – outgoing, overtly expressive, comfortable in crowds, talkative
- Introverts – does not reveal one’s thoughts or feelings readily, less comfortable in crowds, inward
You can see how introverts and extroverts communicate very differently. Communication needs to flow freely in a relationship. Timing is also a critical aspect of whether something is dealt with immediately or builds up over time and grows into something else.
Holding on to something might not be an option for an extrovert, but an introvert might not have a choice just by the way they express their feelings. If this is understood and we are compassionate, than this might not be a problem. However, if we are not compassionate and understanding, this could cause significant relationship challenges.
As a rule of thumb: learn each others communication styles and help make it easy to communicate to one another… and do it frequently. Remember, you each share each other’s pain and joy.
Take time each night before you go to bed, talking openly about the day from each person’s perspective. Share important items that went well and what didn’t. Help each other water the right seeds and avoid negative nourishment. Help each other… not by trying to fix or change, but by helping each other more easily be themselves.
We Make Assumptions and Have Expectations
In the book “The 4 Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, he describes 4 foundational rules we should live by (agreements we make with ourselves). One of the most important agreements is “Do not make assumptions”.
Our mind is addicted to and makes up stories continuously. Our mind will feed our ego and influence how and what we remember. This pattern will bring thoughts of doubt, worry and fear. This thinking will cause challenges and misunderstandings in our relationships. Many of these issues will come directly from our assumptions.
The thinking part of our brains is wired to make quick assumptions and judgements (without having to get all of the facts). This leads to much of our wrong perceptions and misunderstood perspectives. We need to catch ourselves when we make assumptions and return to the present moment.
We need to learn to accept “what is”, and not have expectations of what we want things to be. When we remove our expectations, our experience becomes much more neutral and causes us less suffering.
When we have an expectations mindset, we are placing our minds into a position of reaction when things don’t turn out the way we want.
We Don’t Work Together to Make it Work
A relationship of any kind takes effort and energy. Both people must be willing to invest in it for it to work. At a very basic level, there should be a mutual understanding in terms of communication, listening, values, appreciation and love.
If one person wants it to work and the other does not – it won’t work. When things have reached this point, it is best to return to our own, individual life journey. Become present and listen. It is hard to hear things we do not want to hear. Be open to inward learning and growth. Shift your focus to self-understanding, self-love and self-compassion.
Happiness and satisfaction does not just happen in a relationship. Several things must come together to make it happen and last. Modern relationship values are very different than the previous generations. In a modern relationship, if you don’t like the way things are going, its common to simply dump the person and find someone else. I don’t necessarily agree with this approach but society accepts this dumping mentality as appropriate.
Sadly, the levels of divorce in the world are at an all-time high. In many cases, people jump into marriage with little understanding of the long-term impacts or before even truly knowing the person they are marrying. Thinking that this other person is going to bring them happiness. PS – it doesn’t work that way.
I believe that 2 people are brought together for a “life journey” purpose. To learn and grow from each other. If you leave before you learn and grow, you will likely have to repeat the same situation until you figure out what you are supposed to learn and you do something differently. Life has a purpose for us and we need to be present for it.
Relationships require effort. That effort will include periods of joy, happiness but also challenges, struggles and possibly suffering. You cant have one without the other. This is the great balance of the universe.
The Illusion of Timing
Its important to recognize the natural timing of life. Each of us is on our own journey of learning and experience. We aren’t always aligned on each others individual level of life understanding, unconditional love and self acceptance. While we might think that timing is possibly an issue, it’s important to recognize that life’s timing is always correct.
Maybe there was an impact or influence we didn’t even recognize in the time we were together. The universe has such an amazing balance and synchronicity of events. For us to have an understanding and see the connected impact of a a single event in time would be nearly impossible. Something insignificant or unaware to us, might be hugely impactful to someone else. Remember it is not our timing, its life’s magic of timing that counts.
9 Habits of Successful Relationships
Now that we know what to look for and how to avoid the common pitfalls of a relationship, lets now look at the 9 habits that drive successful relationships.
- Being Present
- Acceptance of a Self Journey
- Good Communication
- Ability to Express our Feelings and Emotions Effectively
- Avoiding Wrong Perceptions
- Practicing Understanding, Compassion and Acceptance
- Independence
- Being Ourselves
- Working At It (Supporting Each Other)
Relationships can be amazing and bring us great joy when they work the way they were designed. They only work like this when both parties have understanding and awareness. But when relationships fail, they can be devastating. Build your relationships on a solid foundation of presence, understanding and compassion. These are the path to real love.
Life is full of opportunity for us to share our presence and our gifts. Be strong and work on your own personal journey. There is always a new breakthrough available just around the corner. These don’t come when we are comfortable. They often come from challenges and periods of great suffering. Just enough to face why.
Wishing you peace and love,
Until next time…
—
Greg
