Learning to let go can be extremely difficult. Sometimes our thoughts simply wont allow us to detach. Even when we know our thoughts are unhealthy, our brain keeps replaying the same negative thoughts or feelings again and again. Deep inside of us, we feel that our survival depends on having our situation the way we want it versus the way it currently is.
But why is this happening and why cant we let go?
Our Mind is Throwing A Tantrum
When the “holding on” reflex happens, our mind is acting just like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Our mind throws a tantrum because it wants the safe and predictable pattern it is familiar and comfortable with and not what is currently happening.
Lets dig into why this happens. Our brain is constantly analyzing things. It is always assessing our daily events to determine if we need to react differently than normal. It starts by first checking our memories for patterns it has seen before. Our brain will always prefer repetition and predictability over something unknown or not yet experienced.
So when things don’t go our way, our mind throws a little temper tantrum (or a big one). We can learn how to keep it calm, even when things don’t turn out the way we want – but it takes understanding and practice.
In order to learn to let go, we must address 3 core areas:
- Our thinking patterns
- Our feelings
- Our focus
Until we address each of these items, our mind will likely continue to hold on whether we like it or not.
Our minds trick us into holding on to comfort feelings or patterns from our past. We may also daydream about getting the same situation back in the future (strangely even if it made us unhappy). Both of these situations are simply not real. Holding onto the past is like watching an old movie over and over. No matter how many times we watch it, our current situation is not going to change. And if we daydream about the future, we are wasting our precious present life moments fantasizing on something that does not exist and likely will end out the same unless we change something in ourselves.
When these broken, repeating thoughts happen, you are attaching to a fictitious story made up by your mind. This story and the desire you have is not what is actually happening to you in the present moment. So your first step is to try to focus on what IS ACTUALLY happening in your present time (the here and now).
No matter how difficult the circumstance that we are dealing with, it is important we practice calming our mind daily and as needed. We don’t need to sit around and meditate all of the time. But we need to practice just enough to change the negative thinking pattern we are holding onto. This is a key to reducing our suffering.
Replacing the Broken Pattern
When we first learn to let go, we don’t know what it really feels like (or we forgot in the pain of our false story), so it can be difficult for us to quickly adjust. Much like muscle memory, we need to feel what the new “letting go” feeling feels like. The more we “feel” it, the easier it becomes. The more we do it, the more our mind gets used to the new feeling and will begin to accept the new pattern.
So how do we do it?
We keep repeating the new pattern until it becomes the primary, safe and predictable pattern. I know this is easier said than done.
During a major emotional event in our lives, our mind wants us to believe that we need to focus on our past and that we will possibly not survive if we let go. THIS IS A LIE. Do not believe these thoughts, nor the nearly unbearable physical feelings you might be experiencing. Do not believe that you are truly devastated. Your mind is putting these desperate and negative thoughts into your head and is triggering unpleasant, physical sensations. This is normal during traumatic life events.
Your mind has activated your survival reflex and this is part of the current problem. Its not as much the situation itself as much as our mind’s reaction to the situation. The mind is using fear and repetition to trick us into holding on to something that is not real. Something that truly doesn’t exist. So why can you not stop thinking about it? Why do the thoughts keep coming back? What can you do to stop the thoughts and feelings?
#1 Take Action
You likely are not going to feel like it, but you need to build new thinking patterns on daily, healthy routines. Get outside and get some daily exercise – the sunshine is good. Eat right, even if you dont feel like it. Sleep 8 hours on a regular, consistent schedule. Get some social interactions and support from others. We all need positive, supportive energy at times.
#2 Calm the Mind
Simply practice mindful breathing. You dont need complex meditation or or complex rituals here. Tenderly talk to your feelings and your mind, as you would care for a little baby. Tell your feelings, it will be ok and that you are ok.
#3 Adjust Your Focus
We are beings of energy and where you place your focus intensifies more of that energy. If you focus on devastation/pain/loneliness, you will feel more of these. If you focus on gratitude, appreciation of life, compassion and loving sensations toward yourself and others, you will feel more of these.
The question becomes – Are we feeding our negative story and the fear? or are we truly focusing our thoughts on things that will break us free from the painful pattern? If we learn how to embrace what we really fear, we will find it isn’t as bad as we thought or what we built up in the temper tantrum of our mind.
A False Alarm
The trick to letting go is all about where you are focusing your attention. Remember that there are 2 parts of your mind:
- Active awareness and focus (the upstairs/living room of our mind)
- Sub-conscious automatic processing (the basement/seed storage of our mind)
We have to get these 2 parts on the same page.
We first have to recognize and acknowledge that our mind is playing tricks on us. Our mind is amplifying our sensitivity and our feelings. This makes things feel more intense than normal for us. Our mind is also using fear and survival instincts to get us to do something (react). This is an ancient instinct within us and we no longer are needing to run from sabre-tooth tigers trying to attack us (depending on where you live in the world).
The Problem: Our mind has the ability to trigger a major fire-alarm in our body causing all types of physical pains, symptoms and sensations. This is perfectly normal. Do not be startled by this.
I’m not saying that what you are going through isn’t traumatic or serious. I’m just saying that your mind is increasing your fear and pain sensations. We need to get these back in the “normal” range and understand that what we are experiencing is not a real physical threat to our life (even though it may feel that way).
Surrender Now
A good word for learning to let go is surrendering. Giving up on your attachment to the story of what happened or what you should have done differently. Turn your attention to the present moment (as much as you can). Surrendering to and accepting “what is happening right now to your physical body”. This is done with your active awareness and current focus.
Focus your thoughts on:
- Where you currently are
- What are you doing?
- Where are you sitting/standing/walking?
- Is it light or dark?
- Turn your thoughts to being grateful for the chair you are sitting in, the house you are currently in, your health, your ability to see and hear, etc…
If you are trying to figure out how to surrender but you are continuing to struggle, it may be because you do not fully trust life quite yet. Results for things do not come instantly. Life changes take time and consistent practice.
You can learn to surrender with absolute trust and confidence, knowing that life will take amazing care of you and everything will work out just the way it is supposed to.
Many people try to hold on to control and will carry their fears and burdens holding back. They keep only a toe in the water of surrendering versus completely jumping into the deep end of the pool.
When you finally learn how to trust life, it will feel like a major weight lifted off of your shoulders. You no longer have to carry the burden or fear. You know without a shadow of doubt, that everything has its purpose and time.
A Glimpse of Letting Go
Imagine your life as zip-lining through a mountain canyon. You begin your trip up the side of the mountain where there is a platform that you launch from. Everyone has on safety gear and a harness and has been trained how to use their equipment. Once you arrive at the top of the platform, you find yourself standing with the others ready to take the plunge down into the canyon.
When its your turn, the guide hooks you up to the line and you step out onto the ledge. The next step is the moment of truth, when you take a deep breath and step off the platform into thin air, open space, nothingness. Fully trusting that your equipment is going to hold you up as you fly down the canyon on the tiny cable.
The trick in stepping off is that you simply step out off the ledge and let go. Now there is nothing left for you to do. Simply enjoy the ride and the view. What an amazing feeling! A feeling of complete freedom.
The same is true for whatever you are trying to get through or let go of in life:
You simply step out off the ledge and let go! Now you are just along for the ride, the view and the sensation of complete freedom!
The Illusion of Control
When you completely trust in life to hold you up, you don’t have anything you need to do.
What you may not realize is that life already has you and is holding you up. Your mind is tricking you to feel like you have to control everything and that you have to hold on. The reality is that you only think you need to control things.
This feeling of needing to control is an illusion of your false self and ego. When we try to control things or push our expectations, we are just stepping in the way of what life already had planned for us. We also are eating up huge amounts of energy into our attempt to control things. How exhausting!
Important question: Does a back seat driver really have any control over a car? Or is their fear just causing unnecessary stress for them and the people around them?
Life is about the choices we make as an infinite number of opportunities are presented to us. Opportunities for us to expand, learn and grow. There is a near perfect balance of life’s immense energy. An invisible give and take that we interact with whether we see it or not.
We need to let go and let life do its thing. We need to let it balance and adjust while we trust and try to align our choices with it.
The Freedom of The Present Moment
Think of a small child. A child doesn’t worry about having or keeping a job, paying bills, taking care of themselves or what people think of them. They are free from all burdens of having to do something or worrying about what others think.
Children live almost fully in the magic of the present moment and quickly forget the things that make them upset. They simply move on to the next thing that captures their attention.
Don’t be tricked by holding onto something from your past or day-dreaming continuously about something you want in the future. The past and future do not exist. They are not real.
Only the “right now” is real life. This is the only moment that is and that you have a choice to do something with. Life only exists in the present, in the here and now. There is major freedom in the simplicity of living in the present. Living in this way can free us from so much of our suffering.
You Have a Choice
Being stuck in your thinking is a choice. It might not feel like you have a choice, but you do. The thinking and feelings you are stuck in is a fantasy being pushed on you (a trick from your mind). Doing something right now is only thing that’s real.
Do something to break the pattern. Place your focus and awareness on the present of “what is” now. If you continue to feed your fears or the story you are holding onto, you will only get back more of the same. That is the Law of Attraction.
Awaken to the reality of “what is”, right now. Recognize your awareness and focus. Where are you sitting? What are you doing? What purpose does it serve? Is it productive? Is it helping you accomplish your what you truly want?
Society’s Broken Guidance
Sadly, we take the freedom away from children by teaching them how to live in a busy, “must do this and not do that” society. We teach children how to become more responsible, obligated and independent. When in reality, we are actually teaching them how to become unhappy, dissatisfied and suffer in life. We are teaching them how to become broken grown ups! It reminds me of the movie Peter Pan. What happened to Peter? He grew old and couldn’t fly any longer. He forgot how!
Why does society seem so backwards? We must try to get back to the child within us and remember how it felt when we were a child (in our thinking and feelings).
How do we undo all of the negative programming?
Take time every day. Begin to relearn how to surrender and return to our child-like thinking. Practice mindful breathing every day. Breathing helps calm your mind and focus your attention on the thing happening to you right now (like breathing). This brings your mind back to your body and not wandering off in a false fantasy world.
Are you Willing?
Learning how to let go is based on our willingness. The willingness to let go of our old, comfort-based patterns and become open to new realizations. I don’t mean to ignore or resist what we are feeling. To ignore our self-limiting thoughts and self-doubting inner voice will only keep us locked in the pattern we are trying to break free from.
We must learn how to care for our negative thoughts and feelings and to accept them with love and tenderness. We need to make friends with them and not try to escape them.
Fighting and resisting thoughts and feelings will not work. Avoidance, escape and distraction does not work. Sadly, this is the answer in our modern society. They give us antidepressant pills to stop us from feeling what we are feeling. Instead of teaching us how to learn about and accept and love ourselves (wholly – the good and the bad). I believe our purpose in life is to learn and grow – not escape.
We succeed by building new, healthy, productive habits. Life will help us and provide us guidance and direction. We can transform our lives through acceptance and surrendering. Our freedom and happiness will naturally come from within us when we let go of our judgement, concepts and labels.
Pay Attention or You May Miss It
Life is constantly trying to reach out to us. To impart wisdom, to help guide us. If we are not awake, aware, listening and are not open, we will miss the communication.
Sometimes it’s hard for us to see the numerous opportunities being made for us. These opportunities are our chance to reach our next step closer to our authentic self and our true purpose. If we are open and practice calming our mind, we will begin to understand the causes of our suffering. We will begin to see that we, ourselves, were always our greatest obstacle.
Life is happening FOR you… not TO you.
We have within us the ability for complete freedom and happiness. Be brave enough to face what needs done to attain it.
Letting Go is Easier Than We Think
Our goal in letting go really doesn’t need to be striving to achieve some deep, monk-like understanding. Lets work on learning to let go just enough to release some of our “old self” and put some of our “new self” into practice. Life can provide us healing and transformation. Happiness comes from freedom of conditions, not from conditions we desire.
You have heard the saying “Be Careful What you Wish For”. In letting go, you will find the truth in this. As you get what you want, you really don’t become happy from achieving your desires. Happiness truly comes with freedom from your desires.
Another way to say this is that happiness comes from accepting “what is”. Being happy and grateful with just being alive and being present.
Let go of your expectations. Live in the moment. Life is here for you and waiting to help and assist. Stop thinking, stop being driven, stop trying to control. Just relax and surrender to it.
Sit calmly and feel the warmth of the sun on your face, the sound of running water. We can experience so many miracles and wonders around us if we would just awaken and listen. Simply sit and enjoy them. I am so grateful to experience these times in my life.
Wishing you peace and love,
Until next time…
—
Greg
